Gah!

Just got home from spending the week with my family for my birthday and Thanksgiving. I now need sweets, hot tea, movies, and lots of peace and quiet. More soon....

Let me explain

Ok, so I haven't exactly blogged the past two days. I do feel guilty. But it's been a hectic weekend that has pretty much climaxed this Monday morning. Hopefully the rest of the week will be much better, especially since it's my birthday this week. Yeah, a good 21st would be wonderful--though I'm not sure it's possible. Things that would make my birthday great? 1) If B (the guy who I've been "crushing" on) were to wish me a Happy Birthday. 2) Seeing Alex and Mae. 3) Winning something at the casino on Wednesday. 4) Getting a decent present--stupid, I know, but I never really get anything I like because, well, I'm a very hard person to shop for...not really, but everyone seems to think so. 5) If Holly were to call me--even though she can't unless she got to a payphone in Denmark and she's dealing with a lot right now. 6) If the whole weekend went by without hearing from or of T--because, secretly, I would like to hear from him, but it would be better for me if I didn't hear from him and I heard from B instead. That would make me happiest because then I can forget T............I think those are enough hopes. I really do hope B wishes me happy bday. I'm so juvenile like that. But it would show that he pays attention to me and it would give me hope....even if he only knew through a facebook reminder. Because, when it comes to men, noticing the reminder is a big step.

So why has this weekend been so hectic you ask? Ok you didn't, but I'll assume you did. Well, on Friday night, I went to the UCB Noteworthy show with Katie, Sean, and Katie's housemate Julia where I met up with Emma and her friend (or was she her roommate...), Arlene, as well; before which, I went to dinner with Katie, Sean, and Julia at House of Curries--for the second time that week. This time, however, I didn't get the Lamb Vindaloo which leaked all over my bag last time. I got the Chicken Tikka Masala; actually, all of us got the same thing. It was fucking amazing. No wonder everyone orders that. Yeah, then we went to the show of the group I posted the video of. They were amazing. There were other groups performing too as guests, but Noteworthy made my night. Then I made the mistake of going home early instead of sticking around and going to the after-party that Katie ended up going to. But I had a lot to do the next day and I was tired. I slept a whole 4 hours....the other 6 I just tossed and turned.

Saturday I went to Old Navy to go and buy some shirts because all of mine are short sleeve and it's getting pretty damn cold. So I went and got a few shirts, a really cute pencil shirt and one of my birthday presents: a coat. I really needed one and it's a really nice cropped peacoat, which I love because I get the look of the peacoat without the box look. So I shopped. I would have gone into Sephora but I also bought a Cashmere sweater--which I now have to take back because upon further inspection, I've found a hole in it. This makes me sad because it can't just be fixed and it was the last one in my size in light gray. Figures. So then I got home, spent 5 hours making a cake for the lunch party the next day. Only the filling didn't stick--it kept separating--so I really didn't finish the cake until the next morning when I got some more eggs and tried again. Oh, and the spun sugar I was making to decorate it got too moist and beaded instead of drying. I was not happy.

But on Sunday I woke up at six, after only sleeping another four hours, and I went to get more ingredients, came back and cleaned and cooked and then got ready to go pick some people up. I picked up Katie, Emma, and Kirsten--who knows and appreciates my cooking skills--and they came over and we watched To Wong Foo while I finished making lunch. It took me until 3--when Lydia (who I changed the date for in the first place), Jenn, and their boyfriends showed up. Perfect timing! Go me! Overall, the whole lunch thing was great. There were 8 of us total and I'm glad there weren't many more because I have no idea how that would have went. As it was they completely finished it off. Apparently, my cooking is so good, seconds are required. I served chocolate covered caramels, salad, vegetable alfredo (with portabella mushrooms, asparagus, onions, and bell peppers), and bread--oh and of course, the cake. Which was good, though I'll never make it again because it was a pain in the ass and I still wasn't satisfied with the filling--though the Ganache was pretty amazing.

After the party me and Katie went to the Alumni Chorus concert where we met Sean (again) and Kimmianne and Krystin and others. It was really good. Though their diction needed help. After the concert we spent most of the rest of our time together insisting that instead of singing "chariot ride" they were singing "cherry pie" and proceeding to make up comedic lyrics to go with this idea. It was fun. Very fun. I do like hanging out with choir people. They're so....animated and vocal...like me.

Today, however, sucked. I got up 5 minutes before I had to leave for Anthro discussion without having remembered to write my two page paper and so I'm checking my email before I leave and my best friend wrote me back. I got really excited because I miss her and every letter from her makes me so happy. This one made me concerned and helpless. Her friend there that was the whole reason Holly got to go to Denmark had a heartattack in the shower and died. I didn't know her, but Holly did, so I'm sure I would have liked her. But the worst part is Holly's in pain and she's 12,000 miles away and I can't be there for her. She doesn't get phone reception there and I'm not close enough to go there for her. And all I have to get a hold of her is email. I'm so worried. I hope she doesn't feel guilty that she couldn't help her. I just wish I could help her make reason of all this but I can't. I just want to hug her.

Anyways, top picture is the caramels I made, the next is that hazelnuts I rustically cracked with hammer, and then of course the five hour cake!

Noteworthy

This is a sample of what I got to listen to tonight. This is actually a clip from the UCCE Halloween show, but tonight was just as good. I do love Noteworthy.

Dedication

I'm keeping my promise to myself. I'm posting everyday whether I feel like posting or not. This is a good thing because if I can do this, I can surely do anything else. Like making sure I write down what I'm eating and running errands in a time-appropriate manner. Yeah, stuff like that.

Why did I bother throwing a dinner party? Really...why try? I shouldn't be this pessimistic. I mean, so what that after all the effort I've put into it, the one person I wanted more than anything to be there says she still probably can't make it. I really wanted her to be. I miss her. I used to live with her. And she was great. Granted, we're both different people now. I suppose it doesn't help she's so busy with band and school and her bf. I'm busy too. So yeah, chances are 6 people will show up. I guess that's not too bad. I didn't want it to be too big, so yeah. I haven't heard back from a lot of people still. I mean, yeah, I only gave a week's notice, and yeah, it's the week before Thanksgiving. I should host another one before finals. I should put it up now. Maybe that would get a better response. But why the fuck should I try if it's just going to end up as disappointing as this?!

So I got to run my first errand to campus at work today. A cold package got delivered to campus instead of the USDA for one of our PIs (our Heads of the Labs) and I got to run and get it. It was packed with dry ice and wrapped in Styrofoam 6 inches thick. I felt so important carrying that package around. I was somebody. I was a scientist. I looked important. Want to know what was inside? A cloning kit. Fucking awesome.

Nylon stains

Not posting a long one tonight. I'm not feeling very well. I think it's a combination between the Lamb Vindaloo--which leaked all over the inside of my backpack despite being in a box and a bag--and my upcoming party. After I changed the date I haven't heard back from a certain person who was unavailable on Saturday night (totally not the reason I changed the date. I changed it to accommodate my ex-roommate who was going to a ska show that night). This person better fucking respond. I'm not taking no for an answer.

Echo, echo, echo

So today my phone rings. I decide to ignore it because, as usual, I'm in the kitchen. This time making Chocolate Covered Caramels--my first trial in confection making. But I swear for the longest time after the ring, I still heard it echoing through the house. Mind you, the ringtone on my phone is the theme from the office. It's really catchy. Maybe I'm just going through Office withdraws. That's a very likely possibility.

Ok, so speaking of TV shows, I have a message for Hollywood. Give into the writer's demands. I know you're all fat cats and don't want to share the wealth, but you don't need to make that much and the actors don't really need to make around a million an episode--it's just ridiculous. I swear, if this strike doesn't end soon and Pushing Daisies and Grey's go off the air, there will be blood. Millions of screaming fangirls will stalk you for the only purpose of getting their pound of flesh. So for the sake of your wellfare and that of tv watchers in America, meet the demands. Even Arnold wants you to.

So yeah, not much to blog about today. I'm kind of....sleepy and out of it. I think I'm getting sick. Of course, it could be because I took a nap before work and was an hour late because I didn't hear my alarm clock go off. It's not a big deal where I work if you're late. They compensate if you need to get work done and stuff. So I came in and did my job and left an hour later because it really only takes me an hour to do everything they give me to do in a three hour period. My mind is always fuzzy for hours after naps. I think I'm still experiencing some of that. It's like I don't wake up all the way. The REM is gone but the mind doesn't switch over. I really shouldn't nap anymore.

I changed my dinner party to a lunch party the next day. Hopefully that will be more accommodating to people's schedules. They must now come. They have no excuse.

Home for the Holidays

Next Tuesday afternoon I will be on a plane home. I haven't been home in two months. Oddly enough, other than missing my dogs--and, yes, even my mother, occasionally--I'm okay with that. It's kind of nice to see these people only on certain occasions; I find myself taking them for granted less and less. I have to say, I've never had a hallmark family Christmas. There's always arguing and too much television and not enough care put into the whole day. Call me sentimental, but I always imagined the holidays being spent around the fire with wine glasses in hand, dressed your Sunday best. Yet another ideal Hollywood has implanted into my mind. Maybe this year it will be different. Small, yes. Full of arguing, of course. But hopefully, a little warmer and more to my liking.................maybe next year.

With Thanksgiving, of course, comes Christmas. I feel entirely unprepared for this day. Usually, I make gifts. Last year I made my cousins blankets, my uncle and grandmother socks, and my mother a magnetic spice set (which she claims to love dearly). You can see an example of my fine work to your left and above the mini-tree I made last year. I handcrafted that star on top myself from gold jewelry wire. This year.....well, who knows. Will I get a chance to throw something together? Probably not. Maybe I'll just garnish the wrapping with handmades...like crocheted snowflakes. Maybe beaded snowflakes. Maybe I'll just throw everything in a bag. Yeah, that sounds most likely.

How did I get to be this way? If anyone was a feminist and an icon for self-sustaining women, it was I. Now I knit, bake, pretend to sew, craft, read Martha Steward, disdain Rachel Ray, and find pleasure in creativity and "homemaking" activities. I'm truly a trader to my own ways. I suppose as I got older, however, I realized that it's not bad to do these things. It's bad if you let them define you. I don't. First and foremost, I'm a student who will be a doctor--a very talented surgeon who will be renown the world over.

Yesterday, I went to Costco and I got my pizza!!! Yay. I no longer feel like I settled. It was yummy. I do love pizza. I also got some souffle and two sweet baguettes which I used to make my finest creation: apricot cherry bread pudding. Its moist and yummy. Though, the recipe called for caramel sauce. I made it, but I didn't like it and so I poured it in a mold to make chews. It was too sweet. I've never been a huge caramel fan anyways. But the bread pudding is delicious. It's fruity and thick and creamy. Most people cut the crust off of the bread. But to me this seemed ridiculous seeing as 1) I was using baguette and 2) I like the crust. I don't think I would have had enough bread if I had cut off the crust anyways. The sweet baguette--the perfect bread to use in bread pudding.

I'm holding a dinner party on Saturday. Thought it would be fun to do something for the holidays. So far, only one person is coming for sure. 6 people can't. I am sad.

Hello Jane

(Note: this was not an original idea. *hangs head in shame* I was blog surfing today and happened upon--and stole it from--70x7 so this can be credited to Sarah.)

Dearest Jane,

I know it's been a long time since you and I have talked. I would say it's been around 10 years. You don't remember me do you? Yeah, you were always good at suppressing the past. Though I can't imagine why you'd want to suppress this moment, this year, this you. I'm sure I'll give you a reason to sooner or later, just as I have so many times before. If you can bare with me a little longer--I know how busy you are with your rotations and such--I have a few questions.

1) Did you ever find someone who will sing you to sleep at night? Probably not. I'm sure you're in no rush, but I just never saw you as the type of person to marry when you were older. I'm afraid that if you didn't find it by now, you just never will. If you have found someone, what's he like? Please tell me you didn't settle. I'm so afraid that this pattern of settling will permeate into other aspects of my life. He wouldn't be anything like the one I'm hung up on now, would he? I know you remember him. You never forget a flame. How's T? You don't know? That's for the best, trust me.

2) How was school? Did it kill you or make you stronger? How'd you ever get through calc? Am I going to have to retake this semester? Was it odd being two years older that most people in your graduating class? I'm sorry I fucked up so badly before. But we needed the time off. What's med school like? Did I have the stomach for working with cadavers? I'm sure I did. I must have been fine. Was I?

3) Do you talk to anyone from Cal? Anyone from high school? Is Holly still your best friend? I hope she is because she's closer than anyone to me. I'd hate to lose that over the years, despite the rough patches and the distance. Did she do anything with her life? She's always been so brilliant but tied down by circumstance. I think she's always envied us. I would do anything for her, I hope you would too. Speaking of friends, how's Sara? Is she off on great adventures that you two recount every night?

4) What's it like being a doctor? Is it gratifying? Are you wishing I had chosen a different major? Probably not. That's not like you. I hope it's all worth it--that's all.

Well, you probably have lives to save and a warm bed to go home to--preferably with someone warming it up for you. It was nice. I hope talking to me didn't freak you out too much. I'm part of you though. I hope you've remembered that, no matter how much you've changed or how much better you've become. You were me.

Love Always,
Jane

Un Coeur En Hiver

Want to know how much homework I managed to get done today? Prepare yourself. None. Zip. Nothing. I watched movies today and made acorn squash and got a manicure and pedicure, so it was a pretty unproductive day, overall. But that's ok. Not only is it Saturday. Not only did Cal lose to USC--which we all knew they would. But today it has rained all day. So, I think that makes it the perfect day to just chill out and watch some movies--particularly ones I haven't seen before. Obviously, I knew last night that it would rain today....hence the reason I went to Blockbuster. It's amazing how intuitive my laziness can be.

So, today I watched Talk to Me with Don Cheadle and Chiwetel Ejiofor (who was gorgeous in the movie, as he is in all his movies--for further reference, see Serenity, Inside Man, Love Actually, and Kinky Boots....yes, Kinky Boots). If you don't know about it, it's a Hollywood version of a true story about a radio DJ in DC in the 60s who was a major tv and radio personality for the African American community, and hence, a pretty notable figure during the Civil Rights Movement. It didn't deal too much with his effect on the African American community or with his own personal demons, but it did deal with his relationship with his friend, and manager, Dewey Hughes. I thought it was pretty good, though I wish it included a little more about his impact on the Civil Rights Movement.

Then, the other movie I just finished watching was a French film V recommended to me today when she came out of her cave. It's called Un Coeur En Hiver or A Heart in Winter. It's basically about this man who is emotionally closed off and though at times he finds himself wanting to feel and reciprocate with others, he can't. It was good. V chose the word "haunting" to describe it. I definitely think I would use the word "baffling." Or perhaps the phrase "baffling to the senses." I liked the movie, but I spent most of it trying to figure out this man, Stephane, and I couldn't. I don't know if he really did love or if he wanted to love but couldn't. I found myself angry at his lack of compassion and his indecisiveness and the somewhat manipulative grin he carried on his face throughout the whole film. I think I wanted more from the actor--more lifelessness or more distance. He never seemed to reach the point where he was anywhere but at a crossroads. Even the resolution of the film didn't unravel these knots they tied in the beginning. I would watch it again, but as far as recommending it to someone, highly unlikely I'd find someone who would appreciate it.

I ate at Jack in the Box again and this time I got, what I believed to be, a healthier burger. Nope. It was 700 calories instead of 770. Whoopee, 70 calories less. It wasn't exactly the most grandiose of burgers either. It was just cheese and meat and ketchup and mayo on a bun. I don't understand. It also left me feeling unsatisfied. I had wanted to eat pizza, which is just as many calories, but more filling and yummy. Not just any pizza, but Costco pizza--which is exactly the same as Sam's Club pizza (which is my favorite). But I was lazy and because that and me being lazy, I didn't go to Costco to get my soda and I didn't get pizza. I am now angry at myself for settling. I hope this doesn't appear in different aspects of my personality.

I got bored today and decided I didn't want to be bored tomorrow...but my friends are mostly out of town this weekend, seeing as it's the three day weekend. Gah....I need attention dammit. And my manicurist squared my nails. I came in with beautifully rounded nails and she squared them...making them shorter. I so don't like people asserting their beliefs in nails upon me. Now my fingernails look fat.

My First Trip to Blockbuster

I have betrayed the very ethics I used to preach. Having worked for a very long time at a wonderful, independently owned video store, I have now been forced to make the switch to a Blockbuster....and despite the prices and the fact that this one doesn't carry Hamlet, I kind of liked my first trip there. They had a really good selection and they had plenty of copies--though they were still out of two movies I wanted to see. That's ok, I didn't want to rent too many two day movies anyways. The thing that impressed me most was their TV on DVD section. They had a lot and that made me happy because I never have time to watch TV when it's on, so I'm a big fan of the sets. Tonight I rented Much Ado About Nothing (*cough*NOTING*cough*), Confetti, Talk to Me (which I'm surprised is already out), and Monk season 1 disc 1. I got some yummy garlic butter popcorn too in nice little individual serving size bags. And to my surprise, it popped perfectly. No left over kernels and it wasn't burnt. Overall, I would say it was a very satisfying first trip.

Tonight I had the most amazing chicken ever. Trader Joe's has these entrees for two--I think I mentioned the Mojito Salmon a while back, if not, I need to. They're in the frozen food section. The first one I tried was the Mojito Salmon which was so flavorful and moist. I never would have known it was a packaged dinner if someone else had made it for me. Well, tonight, I tried Chicken Serenada. Now, first of all, I've never been a huge fan of chicken entrees because, usually, the chicken has no flavor. Chicken sandwiches are one thing, but it takes a lot of effort to make chicken taste good. This, this was effortless and rich and tangy. It was smothered in bell peppers and onions and a Caribe sauce. I love all Mexican and Spanish influenced dishes, so to find some really tasty food in my favorite grocer's freezer section, makes the whole living in Northern California with no decent Mexican restaurants thing more bearable.

So, it's a three day weekend. I just realized this today. So what is happening on this not so eventful holiday? Well, tomorrow Cal is getting their asses kicked by USC. This is almost certain. As long as we don't lose to Stanford, I don't care if we lose to USC. Even though Stanford did magically beat USC at the beginning of October. Oh boy, do we have some shoes to fill. But for me, I shall not be going to the game. Why would I waste 50 bucks to be disappointed. Instead, I shall be watching my Blockbuster rentals and doing some Calculus homework. Hopefully, I'll even find a tutor. I really need one. Calc makes me cry.

I've been counting calories and recording them in a notebook. It's kind of scary how quickly they add up. I'm not exactly eating 2000 calories a day, but still, it's pretty damn intimidating to see them on paper. Though, I could use some salsa and chips right now....but I already added up my calories and I'm not really hungry. No, I can wait until tomorrow. Then again, I did do 45 minutes of dancing this morning.

Che bella savoiardi!

Ok, so I can't speak Italian. I could have told you that. Tonight, however I tried to make Savoiardi again. This time it wasn't a total disaster. They taste nice and spongy and they're pretty looking. The only problem....they're more like Lady Fingers than truly authentic Savoiardi. Well, back to the drawing board with that. Perhaps if added baking powder next time. I don't understand how all these recipes I've looked at can not add baking powder and still claim to be Savoiardi? Well, next time I'll add baking powder. And perhaps a touch of something else. At least these taste pretty amazing. They're just........lady fingers. Nothing more, really. Though they're MUCH better than last time. MUCH better. Did I mention how they were MUCH better? Yeah, I thought I might have.

So the morning Z and L left for BC, I made banana bread. No doubt it was amazing. My banana bread always is fucking awesome. But that picture below, that's all that's left. After 2 days....I had two pieces. Yeah. That's ok. There's always more where that came from.

Tomorrow is friday!! Huzzah! What do I have planned for this weekend? Nothing. But who knows, something may come up. Mostly I plan to read Measure for Measure and work my ass off on Calc. Because that's what's really important right now. All I want is a C in that class. I'm not even going to be picky.

Thanksgiving is coming up, which means so is my 21st birthday. I seriously can't wait. When I get home from Thanksgiving, I'm totally going to Napa for a day or something and getting some wine. That would be awesome. Now if I could find someone to drive me around. That would be even more awesome--though most likely taxing. I shall invite people and see who's interested.

OOH! I almost forgot, I ran into my RA from freshman year in the dorms--which means I haven't seen her since like, May of 06--on Wednesday morning. (Wednesday was a surprisingly good day.) So, anyways, I ran into J and we exchanged numbers and apparently we know a lot of the same people--other that people we had in common before. So I should invite her on my impromptu Napa trip. I think she'd go. And that would be awesome because if she'd go, there's a good chance S would go and I haven't seen S since last May either. It would be good fun. Hopefully L--my favorite roommate ever--would come with us too. She's not 21, but she could be the designated driver. This is starting to sound like a plan.

It's dark and cold

And most of all, it's quiet. Z and L have gone back to BC this week. I don't know when they'll be back. Why is it so much colder when they're gone? Granted the weather has been increasingly colder, but still. The house looks so lonesome. If it could talk, we'd have wonderful conversations about Z and L. Like this morning before they left we were talking about the 8 limbed baby in India who underwent an operation to remove her parasitic twin--scientifically and otherwise, the whole story was amazing. And Z turns from her computer looks at me and says, "I've heard about those cases before where one twin eats the other." Eats....it was quite a moment. And even though it was 7am and I don't consider myself a morning person, I was very glad to be awake that moment.

I'll be your cookie if you'll be my cookiecutter

So today at work we had a holiday cookie contest. I wish I had known before hand, I totally would have entered. And I would have won because the cookies sucked ass. There were your basic chocolate chip and then they had oatmeal cookies and they even had a good effort at biscotti (which was really too soft to be biscotti) and they had an entry that was actually not cookie. I don't think chocolate topped peanut butter rice krispie treats are a cookie. They actually don't require any baking. They did however have a pretty nice shortbread cookie--that was covered in cinnamon and sugar (a bit too much in my taste--shortbread should be simple and effortless looking, because in reality, it's the exact opposite). Still, the shortbread won in my book because the buttery shortbread taste melted in my mouth.

So the woman I work with is amazing: her letter is going to be E. Oh is she amazing. She has a beta in her office called parking lot. After the "official" interview she gave me a tour around the office and in order for me to accept the job, parking lot had to jump at the sight of food. He jumped. At least, I think he did. So I go into work today and I had called on Wednesday, Friday, and Monday asking this company to fax over a packing slip so we had proof that the item was received and we could pay them. Well, guess what, no packing slip today. So she goes up to the person who ordered it, and literally scans the ITEM. So we used a scan of the received item as a packing slip. If you had been there, you would have laughed too. She's this little short woman with a huge smile and these thick glasses enlarge her eyes 10x and she's so animated. It's great. E, you're amazing, and you're right: I never will forget you.

So no tattoo for me...I got a D on my midterm, even with the fucking curve. And after all that effort I put into it...I'm so fucking pissed. This just means I have to do better on the final, that's all. I just need an A on the final to get a B in the class (the final is 45% of your final grade). I'm so fucking screwed. I now have to pay a tutor because I can't use the one at the Student Learning Center because they don't work with my hours--go figure. And the adjunct for the class is during another class and this is getting to the point where I just want to roll up in a ball and admit defeat. But I can't. Because I'm going to be the best doctor ever. I just have to pass these STUPID general ed requirements first. No problem. "This could get interesting." "Define interesting." "Oh god, oh god, we're all going to die."

Holy cow, batman

Did you know there are 770 calories in Jack's Steak and Cheddar Ciabatta Burger?--Just the fucking burger. Yeah.............neither did I. Thank god I worked out this morning.

Jack's in my crack

So I finished reading Much Ado About Nothing (or should I say Much Ado About NOTING) and I finished my anthro paper--go me!--but I have yet to write my Shakespeare paper in utramque partem--that is, on each side of the question, do my calc, or read Hamlet (which I've read before, so not too big of a deal) and Twelfth Night (which I've also read before, but don't particularly remember). It's no more than 1000 words, so about 3-4 pages and it can be about anything that can be argued for or against. I totally wish I could just rewrite my AP Lit paper on Macbeth and the use of witchcraft and superstition, but we're not reading Macbeth. Perhaps I shall be cliche and write on The Merchant of Venice. But I wouldn't write about whether or not Shylock's a villain, because despite the antisemitism, he is. Perhaps I could write about Portia and whether or not she represents women as they were thought of in Elizabethan society. Or not--that may take too much research. I'll just write about Hamlet and whether or not he truly went crazy.

So now that I have finished my Jack in the Box dinner and my caramel macchiato--aren't I the healthy one?--, I think I'll be able to stay awake for another 8 hours. Maybe getting a grande was a mistake....I can already feel the espresso buzz.

The difference between photography and art

These are two examples of photographs I've taken using the auto setting on my camera.....





































This is what happens when I program my own settings:

Now that I've regained my dignity...

I'm pretty sure there's something going on between them, but I don't know what. And that's ok. Because what I also observed, other than his bits of outward affection, was her lack of response. When you're being caressed--not just touched--by a guy like that you don't sit there like it's nothing. 1) How can you when he is who he is?--and yeah, you don't know who he is, but I do, and I can tell you that you can't. 2) That's a total blow to the male esteem. Lack of response to physical contact like that is pretty much saying, "fuck off." She didn't even smile or shudder or sigh. So, I'm going to let it all go. That's all I can do. I can't say, "hey, whatever you feel for her, she's only going to hurt you in the end," because he wouldn't listen. And I definitely can't say that I wouldn't hurt him because I have no idea if he's interested and I'm not sure that I wouldn't. But yeah....that's pretty much my resolution on that front.

Speaking of resolutions, I've decided I want to lose some weight. So I went out tonight and bought a journal to record my habits in and a scale to keep track. I was slightly (read: extremely) trepidatious about stepping on the scale. I haven't exactly done said action in three years or so. But upon doing so, I was relieved to find that I actually weigh 20lbs less than I though. Which is a good thought. I don't have as far to go as I previously believed. So tomorrow, it starts. I have full confidence that I can achieve my goal. Yes, I can. Are those baked goods I smell?

Among making a few resolutions today, I stepped outside as I was heading to the store and realized I need sunshine and fresh air and to be surrounded by life. So, what else was there to do except go to Point Isabel and walk around the dog beach? I love dogs, it's no secret. Animals in general are great, but there's just sometime spectacular about canines. Who ever said animals don't love was a fucking moron. Obviously they've never spent time with a dog in their life. For instance, today while walking along the inlet, I was feeling a bit sad, mostly missing my own dogs--and a bit disappointed about some things that happened last night (don't get me wrong, it was an amazing party, and I had a great time hanging out with everyone, but there was more than just the secret issue that occurred)--so as I walked with my head sagging, up comes this Doberman mix who runs up to me and stops, tongue wagging telling me, "I know you need to pet, so please, pet me." He was right, I did need that. God, I love dogs. I also took some pretty pictures which I've littered throughout the post.

So what else happened last night? Well, a girl who went to high school with me and was friends with this guy, we'll call him T, knew one of my choir friends and showed up. Which was totally fine. She's really a great person, and she's super nice, even though she seems a bit stand-offish before you get to know her. But we were talking about how I took time off and then she said, "Yeah, [T] was worried you wouldn't come back." T...whom I think it should be obvious is someone I've had feelings for...talked about me with her. Worried about me with her. And, I know she's not the only person he's talked to about me. It kind of set off this melancholy that always erupts when I think of him. T can't talk to me, but he can sure talk to other people about me. Fucking ironic. So I may have gotten a bit drunk after this and drunk dialed a friend of mine. He hasn't called back or anything, so maybe he doesn't know it was me. Yeah, that must be it.

Other than that, honestly, the party was fucking great. I had an awesome time. There were awesome drinks and food and people. We danced to music I've pretty much never heard before and laughed and talked. Fan-fucking-tastic. It would have been even better if I never heard her utter T's name. I don't even care about the other thing I talked about earlier that much. Because honestly, I just had such a great time hanging out with him and the others that it didn't matter. He's just a cool person.

Tomorrow--well, now today--is Sunday, I have three plays to read, two papers to write, and still have math to do. Oh fuck, oh fuck, where did the weekend go?

Shitfuck

He's totally with her. I suspected it at the last party. They looked like they had a secret. The secret seemed to spill over tonight. Why does this always happen to me. Fucking hell....now I'm depressed.

God am I good

Probably not, but I did manage to post two days in a row. Though I have to admit, I probably don't have much to say today since there's a party tonight. Hopefully, I'll have some juicy stories or drunk encounters to repeat tomorrow.

I'm kind of tired, and not so sure I want to go to said party. But I'm hoping a certain person will be there--pathetic, I know, but it's a good enough reason for me. And if he does show up I shall drink and crash the night there. If he doesn't, I'll just say I don't feel well and leave early. Good plan, Jane. Of course will I stick to said plan?...who knows. I'd like to drink and crash though because they're having some good stuff and I don't exactly go to a party every weekend. So, moderation is nice. What do I wear? I could wear jeans. I like jeans. But are jeans party clothes? This I wouldn't know. Oh well, I suppose as long as I'm dressed, it's all good.

So I went to class today. I know that's kind of stating the obvious, but after my terrible Wednesday midterm, I felt like taking a day off. I didn't though, and I'm proud of myself. Instead, I went to class and to work and to choir rehearsal smelly and greasy. Ick...not exactly one of my best decisions. Note to self: Shower before party.

You know what I don't like about nail polish? I don't like how you put a base coat on, and then two of color, and then a clear, and by the time you're done you feel like you have six feet of dirt on top of your nails. I don't like that. I'm a minimalist. It's just sooo....soooo....gooey. That's the word. And not a good kind of chocolate chip cookie gooey, it's just tar. I have the weirdest metaphors sometimes.

Did I mention I have a zit....it's not really noticeable because it's on the underside of my chin...but it hurts. Note to self: Hide zit before party.

Happy All Souls Day; New Rule

Seeing as I'm averaging one blog a month, I'm going to insist to myself that I blog once a day. Is this a bit stringent and impractical--well, yeah, but it's ideal. So, hopefully I will be on more. And therefore I will have more to say...and eventually, perhaps, people will even comment. That would be nice.

So, what shall I be talking about in this entry? Let's see: 1) Z and L are home!! Huzzah! 2) the pleasures of baking....and the pains of a disappointing end product. 3) Weekly choir concerts are a bit taxing on my vocal cords. 4) The wonderful world of TV and what you must watch. 5) My new job. 6) Whatever else.

So Z and L have returned. This makes me smile. The house was so dead, the atmosphere too serious and now it feels as if a weight has lifted and a light hath returned. Though, they don't really turn many lights on in reality. Even the Vampire is more personable today. L cooked and did dishes and watched me bake--yeah, we'll get to that in a second--joked and laughed. I swear, they have the greatest laughs. They're always laughing and they're always happy and it's absolutely wonderful to live with people like that. There's so much life in this small house when they're here.

Baking is my favorite stress relieving activity. There's just something satisfying of putting all that effort into something that's so enjoyable by others. I like watching people eat my baked goods. It's very fulfilling. Over the past month, I've made muffins, banana bread, cookies, and other stuff. So tonight, I was feeling daring and wanted a bit more of a challenge. So I decided to go and try to make savoiardi--aka Lady Fingers. I should have listened to my mother when she told me they were hard to make. But did I? No. They didn't rise. Not one bit. I blame the recipe. Because, god dammit, I followed it down to the letter--well, kind of.....I had to convert from grams to cups. So yeah....not a particularly fine moment for me. However, I shall find another recipe and I shall press on. I will. And I will make the most amazing lady fingers ever and not just ones that make subpar milano cookies.....stupid recipe. If only I had a Kitchenaid Proline 600. All my baking problems would be solved. Santa, please bring me one for Christmas.

So, I have endured two grueling weeks of non-stop choir song and dance. I over-exaggerate. We've just had rehearsal every MWF for 2 hours and two concerts on the 19th--which were fun because we were singing Jukebox music--and then we did our part in the Halloween concert on the 28th (the picture of the pumpkin is actually the pumpkin I carved for the Halloween concert because what is a Halloween concert without Jack-o-Lanterns? I didn't like scoop the stuff out though, my friend L did because doing that would have given me a panic attack. Pumpkin insides remind me of placenta and delivering babies for some reason). My larynx is tired because I'm not used to this kind of thing anymore. I used to be because I sang competitively in choir in high school and did honor choir and did professional choir, but I don't do that anymore. Yeah, I should have time to rest it. The next performance isn't until after Thanksgiving. Well, except that I have alto sectionals tomorrow (yeah, I sing like a man, so sue me) and rehearsal every M and W. I guess I shouldn't complain. After all, it's the one place I don't feel like an idiot for singing loudly. Well, there and in my car. God I love singing along to the radio or an awesome CD. Speaking of awesome CDs, Grey's Anatomy Vol. 3 is PARTICULARLY amazing. Indeed it is.

Which brings me to...TV! Should you be watching Grey's Anatomy?--unless you're Sara--OF COURSE YOU SHOULD! Should you be watching Pushing Daisies? DAMN STRAIGHT! And the Office? HELLS YES! So Grey's Anatomy is back and it's a bit slow right now, mostly because we're being introduced to the new interns. But the beginning of most seasons are slow, so I'm not complaining. I do, however, miss Burke--despite the fact Isaiah Washington's a douche bag. On to Pushing Daisies which is now, like, my favorite show ever. It's an ingeniously weird concept that just works. And it has this kick ass Tim Burton feel to it. The music even sounds like it's composed by Danny Elfman--though it's not. Ned's gorgeous and sweet and makes me want a piemaker of my own. And Chuck is adorable. And Kristin Chenoweth plays Olive--and she SINGS, god that woman can sing (she was more than amazing in Wicked, believe me). Oh, and did I mention Chi McBride plays Emerson, a sarcastic, money-driven PI who KNITS. What could be better than a black man that knits? Nothing. Nothing at all. The Office is great too because I heart Jim and Pam. And of course I heart Dwight. Who doesn't?!

I believe we're on the topic of my new job. So I'm an assistant employed by the University but I work in the Plant Gene Expression Center at the USDA because, well, it has to do with funding and because there's funding that's run through us, we have people there. So it's pretty awesome. It's only five minutes from where I live, I get plenty of hours doing really easy work like sorting mail and scanning and organizing documents. I shouldn't say the work is really easy, because it's not, but it's easy for me. Of course, I'm a super-organized work-a-holic. The best part about my job: I make $14 an hour. It's pretty great because it means I can make my car payments. Go me.

Wow, we're now on the last topic...everything else. What else is there? Well, my birthday is coming up on the 21st. I shall be 21. I'm going home for Thanksgiving on the 20th so on the 21st my mom and I plan to get shitfaced or something like that. Apparently, my mom's really excited that I'm now legally allowed to drink. I think it's because this means I can pay for the drinks....there's always an ulterior motive. Hmmm, is there anything else. Well, other than the fact that I've recently found myself enamored by a certain member of the opposite sex. Luckily it's not the same person as last time, so in that respect, I'm good....it's still rather obnoxious that I find myself thinking about him at random times. Life would be so much less complicated if I could just take a pill and not feel this anymore--though I think I'd miss this feeling if it did disappear. Oh and I totally bombed my Calculus midterm on Wednesday. That's ok, though, so did everyone else, which means I should still get a B. Also, that picture to your right. The one you're drooling all over. Those are the most amazing cookies ever. Made by me. See, I can bake.